JHem

http://christagallopoulos.com/poetry/#comment-93 Poetry ~ the perfect excuse to drop our awareness from the endless judgement’s of our minds to our brutally honest heart. Listening to the hearts cries, screams, rage, lost, love and gratitude, you almost find that what is written is a letter of recognition to who you are deep down, both the loving and painful sort of poetry. Giving your heart a voice to know it is being heard, to know it is being tended to, to know it is being held. A love letter you give yourself.

Why must I learn to love myself before I learn to love others? What if loving myself means allowing myself to love you; loving you is me showing love to myself by giving myself, and also the beloved, heart opening intimacy with arms reaching out to one another for an embrace that comforts one to the point of healing the pains of inadequacy. Why do people feel they have to split love into yours and mine; why not ours? Better yet, just leave it at love? Not I love or you love, but let's just sink into silence at love...

http://christagallopoulos.com/knowing/#comment-88 ... The idea that there’s a divide in one’s whole being, a split from the mind and the heart. The heart’s been abused to the point where the ‘rational’ mind must step in and create a barrier. A border to keep the heart from bearing anymore pain than it already has. There’s this split… there’s the side which the bearer of pain lies in secret, the side of fear. Then there’s the other side… the side of intimacy… the side where the heart tries to reach out to, but the wall the mind puts up draws it back. The knowledge of past hurts the mind feeds the heart creates a split from what the heart yearns for, creating unease and anxiety from the possibility of never being able to hold close what it cries it self to sleep at night for. Each time it reaches past this internal barrier, the body becomes breathless, a shock rushes through the soul, causing the heart to skip a beat as it is instilled with the dread of everythin...

I'm lonely and want someone by my side so much. But apart of me feels I should learn to not feel lonely alone first. Plus, I feel too incompetent and undesirable. I don't see anyone wanting me by them. I feel too much like a burden.  I don't know if I'm just overly spiritualizing this so I can keep telling myself that I need to be okay alone first, or it's just an excuse for me being too afraid to try and love again. I don't foresee anyone with me in my future anyways...

I just feel lonely and out of place, with or without others. I just can't shake the feeling of separateness. I feel like I'm not meant to be happy, yet that doesn't mean I'm here without reason, just that happiness isn't something for me. By happiness, I mean content and loveing in life and to feel loved back. I feel like I am meant to suffer... just no warmth to cover me as I step into life... like I'm just not worth caring for...

I wonder--what the whole relationship craving is all about. What would a lover give me that I feel a lack of?  Well, I might feel more secure with someone to share life's responsibilities with. It feels too hard at times to be fully responsible. If someone to share that responsibility were to appear, I'd feel less anxious about doing everything perfect since I wouldn't want them to be overwhelmed with perfection. With a lover, maybe I'll be less inclined to be perfect if I had someone else's affirmation on being okay with me being a klutz. It's hard to give myself permission on being silly, I feel like I need someone else's permission first, or I get overwhelmed with anxiety with being less than perfect. I just want someone's approval on being less than perfect.

Where has the love gone? When did the reciprocation go? Who'll be there to hold me? Did you know you gave color To my day? The way you acknowledged me Made me feel okay? Where did it go The bond between us? Giving me the cold shoulder Living in ignorance of why you're gone Having my pleas unheard Echoing in the silence of your absence My tears drip in the darkness With no one to wipe away cries unseen I don't know If my heart can open once more I don't know Who I can lay myself bare too anymore I just can't see Who it'll be I'll give the key To unravel me

There's an imaginary wall In my way There's nothing I look forward too Everyday I can't feel the warmth Of knowing things are okay I can't escape This veiled loneliness I can't breathe To gather myself I can't slow down As I run from shame There's great haste As I lay in waste Stuck between a crossroad That loops in a never ending hell Suffocating from the lack of intimacy Apathy comes to shield my tired heart Dying from its lack of genuine love But its end draws near With no sign of a rebirth I guess this is goodbye?

I have no goals, No ambitions, At least any that I'm aware of. I have no aim. No mark to hit. Just blindly shooting. I don't know where this discontent comes from. I just feel out of place, Out of sync with my own integrity. Walking day by day, Letting each breath go away, Without much to say. Everything is just so faint. I can't put my finger on anything Without it going astray. I just want someone by my side, So I'm not ridden with the anxiety Of being a waste of space. I'm not sure if anyone can play the part Of filling the hole in my heart. Someone who sees me as a work of art.

Drowning in a sea of her own blood Allowing herself to bleed With the bitter taste of shame Knowing things will never be the same Not knowing how to give herself The love she always wanted When neglected as no good Slowly sinking In her own self-torment With no room for air Nor space to move Crushed by inadequacy Dreaming of someone to call out her name Before she dug her own grave To help her open her eyes With the gaze of sincerity That she longed for her whole life Rest was not her friend As she threw away her heart That was sick of beating For no one came to help her breathing This was her ending

Sometimes, I don't know if I can take anymore My shadows walk with me Following me as guilt that won't flee I can't seem to forbore This haunting lore That was once a safe haven For pain I shoved in my den But no more This mourn I'm overcome by grief Unable to turn over a new leaf There is no place for peace I can't feel my core I'm torn!

Just give me a reason To rise--once again Just a reason To get out of bed As I once have Tell me Will it be worth it If I got up--once again? What if I don't feel up to it --again? What if I'm too afraid--to love again? I'm asking for some room to breathe So I can have my moment to let go And see, if I can stop my journey So I know who it'll be Who truly cares for me 'Cause it's hard To unwrap my heart One last time

Words become empty Company becomes hollow Life becomes dread Becoming a living dead With nothing that can be said When the heart no longer follows Only being accompanied by misery Forever drowning in the sea of suffering Refracting the violent storm Wreaking havoc among the vulnerable With no place to hide But within their own miserable lies Of their thoughts projection For protection Nothing but an honest misconception But the devil breaks the facade Haunting you with a smile Of the dark that will never fade

Torn open and thrown out like discarded trash With a life crushing venom seeping through me From the bite of a past lovers dis-ease Forever haunting me from within Slithering inside me Slowly crushing me All of me With hopes of leaving no trace Of the heart I once broke It's grip binding my body Holding me from moving Suffocating my heart Stopping my breath I'm lacking in air I'm lying on the ground Faint and breathless Dying from the poison Dreading her kiss of death

You can't see it... You can't grasp it... But you can definitely feel it... It's rather loving Like the wind Gently brushing against you Softly kissing your soul Without hesitation Blowing a gentle breeze To reassure you It's okay to let go Sometimes you feel it Sometimes not It comes and it goes Without no foreshadow Drop your fist Open your hand And fall back And let yourself get caught In its tender aroma Be with the love that can't be seen Fall in the love of what's always been here The love that frees you of deceit Love that has no blame or shame to keep Open up to what's here, right now

There's a lot of pain in this world It seems like we're just walking about Minding the business of others Unable to look ourselves in the eye They're the creature's of the night, Our thoughts, our emotions They lurk in the background Fiercely tugging at our heart We turn a blind eye, Shunning them away In fear Of what's here We look back, Wishing they'd go back From once they came We look ahead, Hoping they'll go away, Someday Yet, isn't it strange That once we've come to terms With these--'demons' When we meet ourselves By taking the hand being held out to us Our 'demons' become our guardian angels?

What a mystery How we're all the same Yet, when deviated, we're insane All born from a big bang All is a form of the one A child of origin But we feel so separate Nothing but emptiness Sinking into our minds The void of our love Unity's all but gone When we see none But the judgement's Of being no fun How can this be undone? We look about Spiteful eyes gaze around Looking for a complaint How we're not the same Nothing but separation There's a split in our hearts We aimlessly wander the dark As we miss our mark When we break apart Our dreams are amiss Nothing's left But a lifeless kiss From deep loneliness Unable to find a place called home We walk about these vacant streets Containing nothing we need Just fruitless comfort As we search for a place to stay Just running away From mothers call

It's during the dark of the night When distractions are out of sight Is when I begin to write As I take a seat Covered in bed sheets For when we finally meet Eyes gazed At my own mind filled haze As I'm taken aback From all the lack That I begin to attack My own self Before I put my stories behind a shelf Of all the things I've projected Of the things I've neglected When I look myself in the eye Before I say goodbye When I lay To end the day

The seas rush and rave As the ship loses it's sail To the roaring gale During our heart wrenching tale I've fallen I'm lost and stranded Drowning in the sea Hands lying about I'd scream and I'd shout With a whispering doubt 'It's about time I gave out' Depressed and ashamed Of the times I played With nothing but fish and bait Waiting for my hopes to bite Hoping to reel in what's so dear The sound of the night Hollowed by the sight Of your bright light A lighthouse to harbour A soul broken from its lies

Rolling about Stumbling around Feeling like I'm about to fall Rolling on this ball Slowly growing Comfortably miserable With the front I put out To make it Day by day Without much to say Performing with silent pain It's just the price I pay For putting on these masks To play the role Of the joyous clown Humoring the toll As I border our line Of a double sided crime Of a well kept frown That hides from this town A normality of the circus freak

Caught up in chains Covered in shame Neglecting the unity When felt as impurity For being insane As the one who's not the same As those who once came And left their names With what's thought to be sane The norm that's so infertile That refuses to see The muddled water Of the reflected puddle Giving an image Of a broken down angel Ashamed of her own wings Bleeding in an inner hell As she cries about the day she fell And threw away her heart So life wouldn't feel so hard As to bare the words Of hate that spreads so well

I don't know where I'm gonna go I don't know how I'm gonna grow But isn't it beautiful That it's the same unknown That let's me fall And dissolve like snow Washing myself Of impurity As I let go And melt away All that's mundane Welcome to the show Of the sprinkled flakes Melting into a great lake To mirror its true reflection Of innocence Not for its own sake But because it couldn't take Another night of being fake Separate from the beloved Isn't it beautiful That all it takes Is for the heart to break And for the mind to fall apart To realize That we're so vulnerable And so susceptible To a falling from grace When we love and we hate Curling up and locking the gate That we blame it all on fate But the trip that we take Is just icing on the cake Of what you'll never know When life starts to flow And you begin to melt away From what seems so everyday No longer having to pay For words you neve...

I wish I could cry again Just some water For my soul I feel like I'm out of water I've wasted all my tears When I felt my heart shatter Not a even dab of nectar Dripping from my heart I'm running on dry I can't water out the flames Of my tormented world I'm burned down Stuck in hell The tears They haven't rained Since I felt myself break My life's so bent Nothing but a stagnant hell Living in this shell Unable to repent I've been dragged to hell For all the hearts I've broke All their is is an internal yell Of how I fucked it all up What a fucking choke! I don't know how to cope When I'm all out of faith Where I'm without any love Without a pinch of hope Is this the price I pay For selling my soul On that painful day When all I did was look away?

Love, You've become a lost art When put in a shopping cart And all fell apart The broken weren't so smart As they ripped their heart

Storm clouds Blocking my view Of the endless sky It begins to rain Droplets Pouring out life's tears Rain, brushing off my face Kissing me with grace Lamenting on the ground Becoming one with this town There isn't a place Where you're not welcomed For everyone's had a taste Of pain from foolish haste

Hey love, I wonder how you've been Sitting here, in the cold, cold rain Remembering what we once were Brings a tear to me Brushing against my cheek Watering the pain--of my soul Hey love, Do you remember me? How we used to be Oh so close? Without a doubt That their was nothing to fear We'd spend our time together here Hey love, Why have we parted ways? No longer in an embrace My breath loses its pace Why am I left--all alone Navigating this dark, secluded place? If only this weren't the case...

There's a little crack Space, open and brittle Droplets of life seep through Gently washing away the lifeless Breathing in the calm Whispering a song A lullaby--if you will Brushing away the decay A cleansing of the heart

Bringing forth what has yet to be Fresh air is breathed Through the newly born Pure from ignorance At one with grace As the breath leaves Thoughts arise Giving form to identity A falling from grace As the pure sees its impurity Death awaits An ending to the known As the breath shallows So does ones life The fight to stay alive Is one of bitter torment. Surrendering its life to the death of itself The pure is reborn to its origins A return to the heart. This moment Right now Love

Just someone to stand by me Who'll listen as I plea With permission to drop the facade By throwing away the masks we've made So we can open our arms By throwing away our alarms So life isn't so overbearing With you, darling

I don't even know  If my words My thoughts Are my own I can't tell If I'm free To my will Am I a condition Of all that surrounds me? My inability To realize I am but a puppet Of the interdependence Fighting for my independence Is my denial towards what is My story, my fight Causes my identity to suffer By playing God

Living by numbers, I roll the dice Praying for my luck to turn I don’t feel like trying--anymore. My eyes, my heart, they’re grayed All I can see, is nothing but a bore Are these my consequences being payed? I don’t feel like I’m here I’m stuck in my thoughts Seeing only my dismay Of the silent past Roaring its unease Unable to let go Of a waning hand Oh so cold Oh, how I don’t even care How I can’t even feel My own beating heart I can’t even feel My emotions There’s nothing but A broken gamble I play the game Betting on the pain Afraid to bet it all On freedom I shun away The kiss From lady luck Indulging in the lament pool Drowning in my own tears I am but the jaded one Yet There’s a hint That it’s about time A glimpse of the divine

I wish you were here So I wouldn’t have To shed these tears All I do is misbehave When I’m full of fears Hiding in my cave All I see in the mirror Is but a haze, unclear I am but the bearer Of past words, unheard My prayers are no more I’m tired of feeling torn I’m shaking at the core This can't be the norm Stuck inside this lore Of a never ending mourn

Left all alone In the dark Looking for something To relight my life Looking for someone To help me dream again Patiently waiting Over and over Always gazing ahead Brushing away this day Scanning about For another chance To reignite with grace Veiled by thoughts Covering the moment Coloring this experience I narrate as if life were dead I'm running out of time I can't dream ahead much more Remembering what's mine I close off the door Of what's here no more How blind I am Unable to see What's always been here With me Perhaps Someday I'll wake up To the truth No longer looking For something No longer needing Someone To allay the pain Time to let it go Let them fall Release me Let me go Time to let my wings unfold No longer held in fears palm I'll begin to sing in calm Giving rise to love untold

If life gave me But one wish All I want is To free you of fear Fear of separation Fear of inadequacy Fear of being love I want to release All the tension From your mind From your body From your soul I want to give you Room to breathe Space to open Open your arms To embrace life With all your heart Opened to love Love of divine grace Filled with peace Wonder and awe Through gratitude From loving life All I want Is for you to smile To make you happy By taking that mask off So you can finally See the world With honest eyes The miracle of life Open your hands And hold the warmth Close to your heart So you won’t be afraid Now that you’re home To the love inside you

Hold me Caress me Whisper to me That you love me Veil the darkness Cover me with warmth Shield me from uncertainty I’ll reach out Take us out From conformity Honestly I’ll show you the way Day by day Heaven’s sway Don’t go away Just stay And I’ll take you away From the everyday To Heaven’s bay I’ll carry you Sweep you off your feet So let go And we’ll just flow Ride the waves of time As it passes us by So we can slip Into the calm of the night Gently resting In the moonlights embrace Let me melt In your arms Hold me tight Close to your heart Beating to the rhythm To the dance The dance of life Our lips meet Pressed on tight For a kiss, goodnight Muah!

Oh, how I’ve become a liar A willing victim Murmuring lies Victimizing my eyes Without a pinch of honesty I veil responsibility Turning a blind eye Disregarding my role Telling myself goodbye As the pain takes its toll I would not see What I’ve done to me Playing the role Playing the victim Oh, of the life That I wish for Unfulfilled dreams Tainted by my very own hands Unable to clean the window Of opportunity Unable to see clearly How I’ve neglected my life Spouting out reason’s Why it’s so unfair To live this life Blinded by fear Of rejection I masquerade The divine At the cost of gratitude Cynicism appears Unable to accept the truth I turn into the victim

My mind's unrest Caught in the past Searching for you Again and again Recalling the past How you helped me live Putting a smile on my face Only in my dreams Are you there With me The present eludes me I'm stuck in my dreams Crying in place Craving your embracety I don't feel so strong I've lost who I am No longer walking On a set path I don't remember who I was I don't know who I am My mind's unrest Struggling with reality A double life I live Who I think I am Who I wish to be Split on their paths Stuck in my dreams How things used to be Hoping to greet you And warm your heart Like I used to do Once again Neglecting this day Struggling to see How you're gone Unable to move on I close my eyes Praying for you Once again My mind's unrest My heart's a mess Distorted Reality

My heart is in tears. What is it crying for? I’m not sure I know. Perhaps I do. Perhaps I don’t Could it be love? What would love give me? A sense of worthiness? The feeling of abundance? No longer strifled by fear? Hmm... If I had love, sincere and kind love, What would change? Would I be happy? Would I fear less? Would I feel grateful? If I was devoured by this love, Would I smile again, fully? This grace called love, The love with no bounds, The unconditional healer, The love that whispers: Everything’s okay I’m here for you You’re beautiful I love you Would being eaten by love, By surrendering to love, With all of my heart, Cleanse my tears? By being love...? I, Love...? ~<3 xo .

You know... I’m somewhat... lost... But I feel something... I think... Or I’m just lying... to myself... There’s this spot--it’s in a gap. Covered by grievous thorns. Thorns protecting its rose. It feels painful, I guess. It feels nice, I guess. I feel... I guess... There’s a demon on the outside, With a crying child deep inside. It doesn’t feel much, anymore. It reeks of poison. It lays discontent. It feels deprived. Blinded by ignorance, Anxious of every moment, It lives in fear of inadequacy. Veiled by loneliness, By fear of worthlessness, The soft spot is then guarded. The heart becomes shielded, Shielded by the darkness, Hardened, if you will. Or shrouded. Numb. </3 ~ .

Once upon a time I’d look into your eyes So ill feelings would die I saw a guide within you The way to freedom A calm serenity Gazing about tonight I whisper into the night You brighten up my light What did you see in me To give me a chance To be your friend? Albeit, a short while? Yet, what called upon you To not see things through So our bond went adieu? I never knew... I saw great pain in your eyes Covering a delicate stream A stream of warmth You were like an angel Ashamed of her own grace Masking her own wings In fear of feeling vulnerable Too afraid of being ashamed Of being congruent with love I prayed greatly That I’d be the one To open your heart But our paths cross no more. So...This is...Goodbye... I guess...? Take care, miss.

What is fear? Where does fear come from? What is being feared? If it’s all imagined Is our fear A desperate attempt To prove we’re lovable? To reassure that we’re loved? By submitting to an idea An idea of pleasing others To please our fear? The fear of not being enough? The fear of love withdrawn? The fear of being unloved?

Is it possible That inner pain Stems from a lie You tell yourself? I couldn’t stand by When you said goodbye I felt apart of me die I believed it was I The reason why Our bond scattered high Into the nights sky Did I begin a lie? I couldn’t help but cry

Drifting further and further Pulled along the unknown Riding the waves Across uncertainty I swell up with anxiety Yet excitement dwells inside me. I don’t know what I was looking for I’m nothing but a stranger Navigating the familliar That’s now unfamilliar With brand new eyes Dust is now brighter Rust is no danger I’m no longer a racer, Speeding without end. I await the clarity of water For I know haste makes things bitter No need to spoil things with glitter It just makes them fade dimmer. Letting go of all the hate, Dishonesty falls to pieces, As integrity blows kisses. Surrounding all with grace, Love intertwines with its pace. Trusting all that’s arising, Fear is no longer binding. These new eyes, They see no wrong, Only webs of connections. This open heart, Feels strong pain, Carries compassion, Bares no doubt or fear, Is the Fruit of God: Love.

What is love Anyways? Is it the fire in the heart? The flame that engulfs? The entangled longing? The ablazed yearning? The wanting mind? The “owner”? Craving? Or simply... The water that cools the fire? The soothing liquid? Free-flowing? Without opposition? The tears that rain, Embracing all? Fearlessly yielding? Accepting of change? Gentle to adversity? Healing? Take a moment To breathe Gather space Prepare To peel all the layers The conditioning, The un-lovingness, The bias, The judgements, The right, The wrong. All the walls. Perhaps Love is Nameless, Undefinable, Limitless, No-thing Yet Love is Every-thing Love is Love … .

Underneath it all What separates us? Why argue our differences? Can’t we be here, Right now, this moment, Present with our gift of life? You say we’re divided, But says who? My mind has no authority I see no dividing line Our interdependence is calling. We’re all intertwined Interbeings I don’t see why we can’t be friends. So, why do you block me out? Telling me this or that to justify. My heart, it aches at this separation. The emotional distance between us, The duality of these mental barriers Wear me out as I’m disheartened. I’m afraid I have to let this go, But remember I still care. Even when I’m no longer there. I miss you, but I won’t suffocate you. I'll give you space, room to breathe Because I truly love you No strings attached. So, goodbye? Farewell?  Bye...

I’m so sick and tired of this disease. Wandering about the world Oh so ill. I can barely breathe Everyday I’m asleep Life’s so heart wrenching My mind complicates things That were never so deep. This sickness I’ve brought upon myself Disaster’s that my thoughts conjure up. They’re better left on the shelf. As they cover up what’s so still. The innocence that’s hid well. There’s no way than to let it all burn! Just let it all fade away. Let it all melt and sink. Now, what remains? No-thing’s left! Just let it go. Just be. Just... … .

All I want is you by me, But how can this be, You’re all that I see, As I run when I flee, I’ll fall and hurt my knee, I’ll cry as you serve me tea. Without you, without glee. With you, with me, I’m free. Those red lips that shine so brightly, They give taste that are of cherry. Just like my favorite scarlet candy. I guess you’re what they call yummy. When you’re here, by me, life’s not so blurry. You’re so warm just like a closely held bunny. It’s as if your heart's made of serene beauty. Without a care in the world that I’m so corny. This will be how I end my diary: Oh, I love how you hold me, baby. I would begin to quiver oh so shyly Yet, you’d embrace me oh so calmly, Woah, you’re now my favorite blankey!