IV. Journey of Shame and Fear in Search of Love and Intimacy in Reclaiming One's Own Innocence
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The idea that there’s a divide in one’s whole being, a split from the mind and the heart.
The heart’s been abused to the point where the ‘rational’ mind must step in and create a barrier.
A border to keep the heart from bearing anymore pain than it already has.
There’s this split… there’s the side which the bearer of pain lies in secret, the side of fear.
Then there’s the other side… the side of intimacy… the side where the heart tries to reach out to, but the wall the mind puts up draws it back.
The knowledge of past hurts the mind feeds the heart creates a split from what the heart yearns for, creating unease and anxiety from the possibility of never being able to hold close what it cries it self to sleep at night for.
Each time it reaches past this internal barrier, the body becomes breathless, a shock rushes through the soul, causing the heart to skip a beat as it is instilled with the dread of everything falling apart because it doesn’t feel ready, not good enough.
The unfamiliar discomfort of feeling okay becomes too much to carry, so the heart falls back into the old side of fear. living a life dreading it’s own self-imposed shame as it looks into a mirror with hollow eyes of how one has fallen from grace.
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But I feel that maybe… just maybe… there’s supposed to be a way for fear and intimacy to meet, someway to soothe the crack and allow it to heal. A meeting place to reclaim one’s innocence that was lost in the harmonious chaos that is the frighteningly elegant thing we call life. The missing key to turn off the barrier, to filling to the crack between inadequacy and being enough… some missing piece that allows one to see one’s own innocence… something to mirror one’s own purity that has been forgotten.
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