JHem

Drifting further and further Pulled along the unknown Riding the waves Across uncertainty I swell up with anxiety Yet excitement dwells inside me. I don’t know what I was looking for I’m nothing but a stranger Navigating the familliar That’s now unfamilliar With brand new eyes Dust is now brighter Rust is no danger I’m no longer a racer, Speeding without end. I await the clarity of water For I know haste makes things bitter No need to spoil things with glitter It just makes them fade dimmer. Letting go of all the hate, Dishonesty falls to pieces, As integrity blows kisses. Surrounding all with grace, Love intertwines with its pace. Trusting all that’s arising, Fear is no longer binding. These new eyes, They see no wrong, Only webs of connections. This open heart, Feels strong pain, Carries compassion, Bares no doubt or fear, Is the Fruit of God: Love.

What is love Anyways? Is it the fire in the heart? The flame that engulfs? The entangled longing? The ablazed yearning? The wanting mind? The “owner”? Craving? Or simply... The water that cools the fire? The soothing liquid? Free-flowing? Without opposition? The tears that rain, Embracing all? Fearlessly yielding? Accepting of change? Gentle to adversity? Healing? Take a moment To breathe Gather space Prepare To peel all the layers The conditioning, The un-lovingness, The bias, The judgements, The right, The wrong. All the walls. Perhaps Love is Nameless, Undefinable, Limitless, No-thing Yet Love is Every-thing Love is Love … .

Underneath it all What separates us? Why argue our differences? Can’t we be here, Right now, this moment, Present with our gift of life? You say we’re divided, But says who? My mind has no authority I see no dividing line Our interdependence is calling. We’re all intertwined Interbeings I don’t see why we can’t be friends. So, why do you block me out? Telling me this or that to justify. My heart, it aches at this separation. The emotional distance between us, The duality of these mental barriers Wear me out as I’m disheartened. I’m afraid I have to let this go, But remember I still care. Even when I’m no longer there. I miss you, but I won’t suffocate you. I'll give you space, room to breathe Because I truly love you No strings attached. So, goodbye? Farewell?  Bye...

I’m so sick and tired of this disease. Wandering about the world Oh so ill. I can barely breathe Everyday I’m asleep Life’s so heart wrenching My mind complicates things That were never so deep. This sickness I’ve brought upon myself Disaster’s that my thoughts conjure up. They’re better left on the shelf. As they cover up what’s so still. The innocence that’s hid well. There’s no way than to let it all burn! Just let it all fade away. Let it all melt and sink. Now, what remains? No-thing’s left! Just let it go. Just be. Just... … .

All I want is you by me, But how can this be, You’re all that I see, As I run when I flee, I’ll fall and hurt my knee, I’ll cry as you serve me tea. Without you, without glee. With you, with me, I’m free. Those red lips that shine so brightly, They give taste that are of cherry. Just like my favorite scarlet candy. I guess you’re what they call yummy. When you’re here, by me, life’s not so blurry. You’re so warm just like a closely held bunny. It’s as if your heart's made of serene beauty. Without a care in the world that I’m so corny. This will be how I end my diary: Oh, I love how you hold me, baby. I would begin to quiver oh so shyly Yet, you’d embrace me oh so calmly, Woah, you’re now my favorite blankey!

Oh, how I wonder if there’s someone who’ll love me. Someone I can truly love without a sense of pride. Not a girl to call my own, But a girl who feels like home. Just a girl to hold me in her arms, A girl who’s heart is filled with love. Grateful for the moments when our hearts embrace, We’ll cuddle one another with the peace we’ve made. Content and free of worry, we’ll live without great haste, For our bond will withstand even the deepest of fears. Earnestly, we’ll express our love for each other, But not from the heart-wrecking fear of loneliness, But from the absolute vulnerability of being cared for. She’s not mine, yet she'll choose to be there, by my side, Walking hand in hand in the comfort of one another’s presence. Mindfully dancing within the bliss of the unconditional love we’ll share, Our eyes meet, our arms hug, and our lips lay rest with one another’s.

I’m not still, as I’m not formless, unwilling to accept. Unresisting, I am not, for I’m afraid to let it all go. Constrained by my attachments to my beliefs, I suffer for my wishes of how I wish life were. Idea’s cloud my mind, whispering what’s wrong Unable to be still, in the now, anxiety holds me As freedom from concepts still blur out space, Peace of mind becomes hostaged by fear. Why can’t I just let go? Why am I still grasping? Afraid that my mind will tell me I’m inadequate, I hold on to the illusions brought about by thoughts. So my mind chatters endlessly as it craves attention. So, why is it that I simply cannot be like water? Flowing throughout life without resistance? It’s as if the world’s firing at me this horrid test. My mind races fast as peace hides in this mess. I’m falling apart as I seek answers. So, I feel that I must surrender. To this never ending flux I can’t see. For the search itself pains me. There’s no other way than to just be.