JHem

"You're kinda like an annoying kid," Following behind like so. Or even a lost puppy. Never quite in view, Never quite on your mind, Never quite gone either. When the light hits just right, You can no longer see me. Or maybe, I'm simply not here. The charismatic may call me problematic, But I'm just trying to keep the scary away. "Face your demons," but maybe... Maybe your demons are your allies. Maybe your demons fight to keep you alive. Maybe your demons scared danger away. They talk like I'm a bad thing, But a defense mechanism is survival. So, I'm tired, of the slander to the shadow.

It was as sweet as freshly picked berries. As healing as being held to be carried. I was sure love began to bear its fruits. As I believed it was blossoming from its roots, Neglect wouldn't let in the sunshine. So began this heart rot of mine. I confused her night light for the real thing. Feeding me leftover fruit snacks. Artificial sugar and no nutrients. Dare I say? A piece to display, Armcandy titled "bae." My heart was adopted. Perfect story for her blog. Ya see, even altruism sells. I thought we'd become family, "Life's too crazy to take seriously," My wellbeing seen oh so casually. I was running out of notebook paper. My diary like a printing press. Looking like cut and paste. You'd figure this was just a game. And they were telling me the rules. But I never consented to play. They say I'm lawless Having no playbook. How'd authentic look? "You'll be a loser," But I'll hold that L L for Love.

There's a price to pay For freezing a heart. Listen to me say. Peeking your mind is an art, Yet it feels rather invasive.  Am I being intrusive? I guess it's all about consent. I guess sometimes I feel content. I guess I believed our bond was cement. Like a string uncutable, But still able to be bent. Certainty was surely inconclusive. The water played its part. Frozen for you to slide away. Is zazen with you unobtainable?

"Have you ever heard the rumors? Almost too good to be true. Not as good as the hype." And I see Your mind's given you All the answers. There's something without parity, It's filled by your heart, Full of clarity. When that big brain of yours, Projects past doors, There's no sight. Only might. "Maybe it should be a little more, Maybe it's a little too much, Maybe it's most definitely mid." But love a little, No, this is no riddle. You can't see the puddle, Too busy analyzing the reflection, Standards turn to belittle. It's death by institution.  Wipe away the assumptions, Tears will clean that stuff, Maybe you haven't cried enough.

It gets a little tiring. To hear she likes me. Like a tape on repeat. I've heard this radio show before. Not the first, but hopefully the last. I don't know if I can believe it anymore. A script so common, I'm sure it's all fiction. All words and no action. I'll be with my forever again soon enough. Scratch that, he's here through the fluff. I'm always here when things are rough.

It's the voice that says no. No to being more than a little, foreign. People will like you being benign. Shaming you to being nice, To win the hearts off all, But one. It turns you to a people pleaser, Pleasing all but one. You're "people" too... It's the hand holding your neck. Threatening to SQUEEZE. If you dare say otherwise. Self mutilation isn't kind. No way does it deserve dead eyes. Doubt is just believing lies. It stops you from going from 0 to 100, But there's a synonym for 0. And that's dead. When you've "made it," And you just feel "that's it?" It's time for you to scream "FUCK IT!!!" Doubt will want you afraid, The bigger the fear, the bigger the grenade.  So, let's make a trade? When it goes boom, I'll make sure, It's not your tomb. I'm gonna need you to explode, All the parts that are lies. Before it cripples your life.