JHem

It's always been pretty easy for me to know what I want most. I'd simply ask myself, if I had three wishes, what would they be? The sad part is, there's one persistent wish. If I was offered three, I'd only need the one.

That's the thing, baby. About every salesperson. They don't want you to know. They sell you a future, Devoid of hurt, But it's only a dream. That's just a sales pitch. It's not true, I tell you. Perfect overlooks beauty. If there was only one perfect flower, The advertisers would sell you a rose, But what about the iris, lotus, or hibiscus? That image you project, With perfect makeup, And a wall full of prizes. It's only a cover up, Not transcendence, Of vulnerability. As if you bargained the devil, That intelligence could outsmart, Your delicate, breathing heart. How could you care, What people thought, If you didn't fear? How could you care, About getting ahead, If you didn't feel? How could you care, If it didn't hurt you, To fear feeling seen? So why, if I may ask, Has it become so taboo, To show that I bleed?

Thank you, Alinda, For being the first person to get me to drop my guard. Thank you for pampering me year after year when I didn't know how to do so for you. Thank you, Emily. For valuing my presence. For making feel wanted in your life, even if the time was short. Thank you for teaching me how to let go of being "right" so I could "listen." Thank you, Colleen. For making realize I was never ugly. Thank you for the wonderful art you made me. I still cherish it after all these years. Thank you, Rita. For being there for me every time I got my heart broken. Sorry I couldn't reciprocate your feelings, but that doesn't change the fact that you were one of the best friends I ever had. I hope you're okay. I hope you're happy. Thank you, Min. For helping me see my dignity as a human being. Thank you for seeing the best in me when I felt like I was the problem. Thank you for standing up for me when I believed what others told me what I should be ashamed ...

I hear tales of a mythical beast, Swoon as delicate as finer sweets, But I've no lasting encounter, Unheld hands so I may not boast, Only by the imprint of past ghosts. Defined like an unspoken language. Still a heart felt at its most. Not one who chose to disengage. So here, God My letter of resignation.

It wasn't easy for me to watch, But in my case, I had no choice.

It was 10 years ago when I was sure I was writing my final chapter After I had come back From a heart abused. I had set a strict deadline. A year until the end of the line. I had no more to lose. There was a liar, But not in the way you'd expect. No malice, Just an excuse, For her to get a word in With me. But I caught on. Flattered, I was. There was a poet, Just he and I on empty rooftops, Curved of the paparazzi he attracted, Wondering why there was no ice cream. They'd make a fortune on summer campus, I argued. And finally, Strawberry ichigo white dress. They say you sound rather monotone, Who'd be crazy to say it made you a bitch? I gotta say, surely their ears fell deaf. I could feel the heartbeat in your words. I can't quite pinpoint when Acquaintanceship was simply past, And cherished I became. Was it when you planted yourself  Where you didn't belong? But it made me happy. Was it when you'd take me with you, To the dismay of your friend? But it made me h...

I was told Yellow and blue  For the walls. My hurt she sees. A promise so sweet, Second only to you. When promises are simply ideas, The walls are broken and full of mold. The treats, flavorless and a chore to eat.

What if You were too scared  To be heard What if You were told They wanted to hear you What if They grew tired Of your voice What if They never listened But couldn't believe they'd lie I can speak, But there's no voice There's sound, But there's no communication I can talk, But there's no heart.

To be ambitious, Overachieving with perfect marks, Inking over feelings of shame I hide. As they say: "work yourself to death." To be beautiful, Sometimes, the words that escape, My inaction to injustice, Is truly ugly.  To be intelligent  By presenting information, Because of sleepless nights, Too ashamed of being "wrong." To be charming  Enough to know just the right thing to say. Trust me, with the neglect you've felt, It'll addict you more than drugs.  To be nice Enough to ignore myself for you, Like a pillow after a long day, Appreciated but slept on. Whatever you see, I hate to break it to you, Were all a projection of yours. Any and all have been an accident. But that doesn't deny I can still be seen To be carefree enough To aim for the impossible, Not be crushed by the pressure As I never set a criteria for failure. To be sparkling enough For strangers to be curious Why I don't match my light To the ambiance of the room. To be smart enough  T...

I've got nothing to prove. Hopefully one day, You see so too.

You'll do all you can to be happy 

I remember saying the wrong thing, But you reassured me with a smile, So why did you go? I remember sharing my feelings, But you never expressed your rile, So why did you go? I remember my truth no longer speaking, But you stayed with me for miles, So why didn't you go? When I'd smile till my teeth start hurting, When your blame was met with agreeing, When fitting in meant no more crying, What did I learn? Love had to be earned. Acceptance had a price. I used disapproval like money. These masks aren't cheap, honey. Everything out of your mouth's so funny!!! Being your butler's a full time job I'm not even given benefits. But I couldn't say I felt robbed. Emotional bills paid selling my innocence. While I never had to worry if you'd leave, It was too late as my heart did.  So while there's discontent, They finally seem pleased. But my soul felt morbid.

"You're kinda like an annoying kid," Following behind like so. Or even a lost puppy. Never quite in view, Never quite on your mind, Never quite gone either. When the light hits just right, You can no longer see me. Or maybe, I'm simply not here. The charismatic may call me problematic, But I'm just trying to keep the scary away. "Face your demons," but maybe... Maybe your demons are your allies. Maybe your demons fight to keep you alive. Maybe your demons scared danger away. They talk like I'm a bad thing, But a defense mechanism is survival. So, I'm tired, of the slander to the shadow.

It was as sweet as freshly picked berries. As healing as being held to be carried. I was sure love began to bear its fruits. As I believed it was blossoming from its roots, Neglect wouldn't let in the sunshine. So began this heart rot of mine. I confused her night light for the real thing. Feeding me leftover fruit snacks. Artificial sugar and no nutrients. Dare I say? A piece to display, Armcandy titled "bae." My heart was adopted. Perfect story for her blog. Ya see, even altruism sells. I thought we'd become family, "Life's too crazy to take seriously," My wellbeing seen oh so casually. I was running out of notebook paper. My diary like a printing press. Looking like cut and paste. You'd figure this was just a game. And they were telling me the rules. But I never consented to play. They say I'm lawless Having no playbook. How'd authentic look? "You'll be a loser," But I'll hold that L L for Love.

There's a price to pay For freezing a heart. Listen to me say. Peeking your mind is an art, Yet it feels rather invasive.  Am I being intrusive? I guess it's all about consent. I guess sometimes I feel content. I guess I believed our bond was cement. Like a string uncutable, But still able to be bent. Certainty was surely inconclusive. The water played its part. Frozen for you to slide away. Is zazen with you unobtainable?

"Have you ever heard the rumors? Almost too good to be true. Not as good as the hype." And I see Your mind's given you All the answers. There's something without parity, It's filled by your heart, Full of clarity. When that big brain of yours, Projects past doors, There's no sight. Only might. "Maybe it should be a little more, Maybe it's a little too much, Maybe it's most definitely mid." But love a little, No, this is no riddle. You can't see the puddle, Too busy analyzing the reflection, Standards turn to belittle. It's death by institution.  Wipe away the assumptions, Tears will clean that stuff, Maybe you haven't cried enough.

It gets a little tiring. To hear she likes me. Like a tape on repeat. I've heard this radio show before. Not the first, but hopefully the last. I don't know if I can believe it anymore. A script so common, I'm sure it's all fiction. All words and no action. I'll be with my forever again soon enough. Scratch that, he's here through the fluff. I'm always here when things are rough.

It's the voice that says no. No to being more than a little, foreign. People will like you being benign. Shaming you to being nice, To win the hearts off all, But one. It turns you to a people pleaser, Pleasing all but one. You're "people" too... It's the hand holding your neck. Threatening to SQUEEZE. If you dare say otherwise. Self mutilation isn't kind. No way does it deserve dead eyes. Doubt is just believing lies. It stops you from going from 0 to 100, But there's a synonym for 0. And that's dead. When you've "made it," And you just feel "that's it?" It's time for you to scream "FUCK IT!!!" Doubt will want you afraid, The bigger the fear, the bigger the grenade.  So, let's make a trade? When it goes boom, I'll make sure, It's not your tomb. I'm gonna need you to explode, All the parts that are lies. Before it cripples your life.