JHem

http://christagallopoulos.com/poetry/#comment-93 Poetry ~ the perfect excuse to drop our awareness from the endless judgement’s of our minds to our brutally honest heart. Listening to the hearts cries, screams, rage, lost, love and gratitude, you almost find that what is written is a letter of recognition to who you are deep down, both the loving and painful sort of poetry. Giving your heart a voice to know it is being heard, to know it is being tended to, to know it is being held. A love letter you give yourself.

Why must I learn to love myself before I learn to love others? What if loving myself means allowing myself to love you; loving you is me showing love to myself by giving myself, and also the beloved, heart opening intimacy with arms reaching out to one another for an embrace that comforts one to the point of healing the pains of inadequacy. Why do people feel they have to split love into yours and mine; why not ours? Better yet, just leave it at love? Not I love or you love, but let's just sink into silence at love...

http://christagallopoulos.com/knowing/#comment-88 ... The idea that there’s a divide in one’s whole being, a split from the mind and the heart. The heart’s been abused to the point where the ‘rational’ mind must step in and create a barrier. A border to keep the heart from bearing anymore pain than it already has. There’s this split… there’s the side which the bearer of pain lies in secret, the side of fear. Then there’s the other side… the side of intimacy… the side where the heart tries to reach out to, but the wall the mind puts up draws it back. The knowledge of past hurts the mind feeds the heart creates a split from what the heart yearns for, creating unease and anxiety from the possibility of never being able to hold close what it cries it self to sleep at night for. Each time it reaches past this internal barrier, the body becomes breathless, a shock rushes through the soul, causing the heart to skip a beat as it is instilled with the dread of everythin

I'm lonely and want someone by my side so much. But apart of me feels I should learn to not feel lonely alone first. Plus, I feel too incompetent and undesirable. I don't see anyone wanting me by them. I feel too much like a burden.  I don't know if I'm just overly spiritualizing this so I can keep telling myself that I need to be okay alone first, or it's just an excuse for me being too afraid to try and love again. I don't foresee anyone with me in my future anyways...

I just feel lonely and out of place, with or without others. I just can't shake the feeling of separateness. I feel like I'm not meant to be happy, yet that doesn't mean I'm here without reason, just that happiness isn't something for me. By happiness, I mean content and loveing in life and to feel loved back. I feel like I am meant to suffer... just no warmth to cover me as I step into life... like I'm just not worth caring for...

I wonder--what the whole relationship craving is all about. What would a lover give me that I feel a lack of?  Well, I might feel more secure with someone to share life's responsibilities with. It feels too hard at times to be fully responsible. If someone to share that responsibility were to appear, I'd feel less anxious about doing everything perfect since I wouldn't want them to be overwhelmed with perfection. With a lover, maybe I'll be less inclined to be perfect if I had someone else's affirmation on being okay with me being a klutz. It's hard to give myself permission on being silly, I feel like I need someone else's permission first, or I get overwhelmed with anxiety with being less than perfect. I just want someone's approval on being less than perfect.

Where has the love gone? When did the reciprocation go? Who'll be there to hold me? Did you know you gave color To my day? The way you acknowledged me Made me feel okay? Where did it go The bond between us? Giving me the cold shoulder Living in ignorance of why you're gone Having my pleas unheard Echoing in the silence of your absence My tears drip in the darkness With no one to wipe away cries unseen I don't know If my heart can open once more I don't know Who I can lay myself bare too anymore I just can't see Who it'll be I'll give the key To unravel me

There's an imaginary wall In my way There's nothing I look forward too Everyday I can't feel the warmth Of knowing things are okay I can't escape This veiled loneliness I can't breathe To gather myself I can't slow down As I run from shame There's great haste As I lay in waste Stuck between a crossroad That loops in a never ending hell Suffocating from the lack of intimacy Apathy comes to shield my tired heart Dying from its lack of genuine love But its end draws near With no sign of a rebirth I guess this is goodbye?