JHem

  It was "monkey see, monkey do," "Treat people as you wish they'd treat you," Gosh, I was on my knees praying for it to be true. After being ignored once for the first time, Surprising for me, yet not close to the last time, I tended to you, hoping you'd tend too. But what got to me, Is that I can't believe, In my very own autobiography, This commandment is an absentee.

It's like digging through concrete Fingernails painting the ground A painful red from the blood. You open your hand to me, Face up without a hinge to fear, Until our hands meet to say hello. "Your hands look so beautiful, But they scrape like a knife!" I'm used to it. My beauty, it wasn't by me, for me. It was for you, and you, but especially you. So I wouldn't drown in vocal torment. My demure, my doubt, my incapacity, It's so I could win you over. At the cost of loving myself. The sparkle in your eyes, Won by admiration, Cost me. Will I ever get it back? My individuality. Or trapped by destiny. If I didn't display full of grace, Would you have spat on my face? Through living a fib I am safe.

This is my pinky promise  to myself For No more  neck pain trying to be perfect No more worn out heart on casual commitments  No more  sleepless nights  waiting on you

Spat out into shivering cold. Raised to live with anxiety. Without a single witness. No coat to cover the shivers, No clothes to coat the scars, No choice but to freeze. I was drawn like a moth to a flame, But I wasn't expected to be Burned alive.

You left your home, You left your dreams, You left your honesty. When reality felt ethereal. And you asked, "why?" When it was built on hopes. Feeling like a garden gnome. Feeling like decoration, it seems. Feeling like you're not ready to mope. I've read all about this. Defined as a "pattern." In hopes of seeking bliss. To escape feeling flatten, You invited me for a kiss, Wishing for pain to be forgotten. I abide, willingly so. No strings pulled either way. I knew of this passing sunset. You let your feet be swept, As do I let myself be bare, Knowing this leads to nowhere. Oh, I knew, I heartbreakingly knew I knew, the taste of charm. Knew it as nothing sincere. I followed your hand,  When you pulled me to dance. For you to say, "it's just us here." While holding a blank stare. But didn't hide that I wept. Knowing there never would be Another sunrise for you and me.

It was a little bid from me, But a million pieces, Make a big farewell. Feelin' like I'm stranded at sea. Feelin' like I should say less. Feelin' like I can't tell... That I miss you. But you knew. So I withdrew. Not a single good-bye spoken, Not pretending to be a monk in zen, Not able to bypass again. The apathy wasn't clear to be neglect, With breadcrumbs spelling "maybe yet." So why is my pillow wet like a wreck? A celebration I wanted you to see, But no words is all she says. There will be no wedding bells.

My face red from just a glance, Her tap woke me from my trance, With red nails pointing to her smirk, Asking me: "Is being cute your quirk?" The music seduces us to dancing. With her hands holding mine, There's no more than us two. I let my body start singing: I wanna get to know you. Her hand brushing through my hair, Gently pulling me in with fingered pets. Weakening my body to collapse. My arms wrap around her for safety. Chin craving rest on her shoulder, My nervous stutter: "Is this fine?" With a voice that knew, There was no way for her to lose: "Don't you dare, Believe you're worth any less." And there goes my breath... As she makes sure I take in hers. "I've stolen something priceless, I came here with no chance to miss, To take you back home with my kiss." Was I being sucked into a dream? I knew I had to let myself be caught. Euphoria shoved my mind out of line. Heart blazing hotter than 100 suns. I'm woken up by suns

Born an unwritten page, Scribbled on for rightly, Etched a destiny. A pen carving my scars, Approved by the sage, Sanctioned by the stars. Karma flowed through my cuts, Following my script on this stage, Out of sight feeling like I'm nuts. Letting the rain drown the prophecy. No longer needing the adage. Letting my view return to empty.

Is this an original by me? Passed on by whom? This thought. Before I knew it, I believed it. "Broken." Just fuel for the fire. Everything pointing at "me." A "me" who could someday be fixed. Pill after pill, Decade after decade, Affirmation after affirmation. "Who" believes "I" am broken? When no one appeared, For certain, I knew. The belief had to be surrended, To see "broken" as a lie, For it to be liberated.

The elders prescribed me remedies. Strange was their belief of myself, When their costumes wouldn't fit me. They forced hands around my throat, Hoping to mold me back to "normal." Alas, I was diagnosed as deviance. Shame begged me take initiative, To carve myself into their image, I had knives cut me into shape. I closed my eyes to turn away from okay, Lying unburied near the Grim Reaper, Offering my blood to feed the soil. But now Death feared me, Trapping himself back in Hell, As he saw me rejoice in the anemia. A new "self" began forming. "Superior" than before, Sensitive to bursting. Insensitive to "I." My reflection scared me more than Satan. Covering the lake with holy deeds. So "I" could never be seen. I began inviting breathing Bodhisattvas, Letting them illuminate my false paradise. Allowing me to see there is no Hell to fear. Letting go the dream of  a "better" me, Allowing it to sink into Sunyata, Feeling love n

The ancients spoke their gospel. Inciting concretely, a voice be heard. Why would a youngling challenge God? Lifetimes were spent biting my lips, Words praying the sounds would bolden, Through the wounds I self-inflicted. Only to have my heart pulled out of me, This is how I learned to be blindsided. Maxing my volume until tears broke them. Time spent trying to heal to before. Wishing to be forever much more. But the dream had to be woken from. Meeting through a vow towards quiet. I learned to speak without a word uttered. Knowing silence louder than any sound, Signaling the hand of God to cut my string.

 I remember the swing by the lake. It wasn't one that we shared. We were called to silence. Although no words were shared, smiles were told. A bow giver for satiating the heart. I'm glad a gentle ill came over me. Opening up your chance to invite me to being your friend. Shimmering voices asked us to inquire, "Who Am I?" The empty circle giving the seal proclaiming "empty." For you, a moment you believed to know who I am; willing and unafraid, but that image had to be thrown away. "Who am I despite willing but afraid?" Like what the swing is to me now, a familiar passing thought. As I'm bracing for rejection, you share yourself with me. Opening myself to never cementing "I" for you nor I.

Don't look with just your eyes. Feel not with just your chest. Reach deep into your soul. The wind blows your head to my smile. Your gaze caught by the waves of my hair. My soft eyes inviting you in to say "hello." This is a safe space to cry. I only wish you the best. You're already whole. I whisper for your arm around me, To rest with you as my pillow. Be my home, unending.  I'm on my knees, Praying for her comfort, To put her tension to rest. Her words spoke no lies, "Sleeping Beauty,  My heart doesn't protest, Sweet as stories foretold, Awakening my desire to try, I want to the whole world to see, The heavenly sanctity you're worth, My faith in you surely is no jest, Would thy be mine?"

To be moved by vibrations, Emanating from heart quakes, Breathed to life from its core, How could one conceive of more? To be swallowed whole. Like something so delish. Every breath being home. Universed, yet also niched. Touch the source of being, Feel the wellspring forth, Love takes it's bite.

Oh, meet me in a wonderland. To be lost without seeking to understand. Where our feet need feel no ground. Come, have a seat to ride this mystery. Where you're stunned forever curiously. To where all you craved is offered freely. To let go of shame, To admit to love, I'm here,  I care.

Giving voice to the voiceless, Form was born from the formless. Only spoken on the surface, Descriptions form your face. Following the words, Feet walk past home. Giving birth to the sin, Of feeling home-less. Wondering why you can't be heard, An unending desire born to roam, Unable to let the beat of your heart in. Lost to the play of having to impress. Surely you jest... Don't attach to grim... Shine a light to be shown... Always as innocent as the birds... Don't let yourself talk you out of, What is surely surerer than sure. The holy spirit delusion can't attach to. Melt through form and meet the intimacy, Of a love that can hold, yet is without, duality.