SS1. Convenient Love

 Part 1

Alex stares at the turtle of a clock on the classroom wall of his Nutrition and Health class. Tick-tock, tick-tock, the clock moves slower than Alex as he tries to find a reason to leave his bed every morning. Finally, with bated breath, Alex gives off a sigh so big he felt as if he was floating as the clock struck 4:30PM. Alex packs his books, folder, and laptop into his sturdy bag he was gifted from his bubbly girlfriend, Emma. “It’s that time of the week again,” Alex thought to himself as he jumped from his seat and ran past the other community college students to get to his beat up red car.

The car would sometimes not open its door. Alex had to repeatedly nudge it until it opened as if by pure chance. It didn’t bother him. His spirits were too elevated to be beat down by such a tiny inconvenience. He turned on his car and screamed to himself. “Let’s go baby! I get to go spend my weekend with my little love monster!”

Alex puts on his upbeat romantic music from his phone to get him into the mood to be all lovey-dovey with his twin flame. He excitedly puts his foot on the gas as he drives off the wavy school parking lot filled with his peers rushing to relax as he does. “It’s gonna be another good night with her,” he cheerily thought to himself.

Alex parks in the dingy, decently lit parking lot of his favorite convenient store. The automatic doors slide open like opening the gates to heaven. His steps of entering Easy Go greet him with the nice, cold air conditioner hitting his soul. The cherry soda smell grazes his senses as he ignores every enticing snack shoved in his face so he can greet his come face to face with his favorite junk food. He walks up to his favorite Nutty Choco Pretzel pack that comes with 20 pieces of candy the size of two thumbs, and imagines its peanut butter, chocolate pretzel scent as he takes full-hearted steps towards the cashier.

Alex’s smile and enthusiasm rubs off on the cashier as his expression quickly changes from someone who can’t wait to get off of work and relax with a cold beer on the couch to someone who’s happy to be reunited with a friend he sees every week like clockwork. “The usual?” The cashier says with a happy chuckle upon seeing Alex with his usual chocolate candy.

Alex gets a hint of nostalgia as he appreciates the cashier’s attentiveness in remembering his weekly routine. “Absolutely. Sharing them with the same special someone,” Alex giggles as he puts his candy down. “Three years of sharing my favorite snack with the most important person in my life,” Alex tells the cashier as he’s being rung up.

The cashier stares up for a second as if to remember the romance of his life that made him jump for joy in his youth. He leans a little closer to Alex as his voice is filled with a quiet sense of joy that comes from how love got him out of a dark place in his life.

“Have you two love birds really been together for three whole years? That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you Alex. I was always worried when you came to my store all mopey all those years ago. She’s going to change your life for the better, I promise you that. Keep her close Alex, always.”

Alex reaches for his beat up wallet to frivolously search for his money in the mess he calls his wallet. He hands his beat up bills and coins as his feet take tiny jumps up and down while he’s overcome from all the love in his heart. “You betcha, Conrad. I’ve been completely ecstatic about my life ever since she became a part of it. I’ll make sure she knows I’ll be the light of her days for the rest of her life. Enjoy your night.”

“You too.”

Alex takes his change and begins to walk out of the small convenient store filled with food that would make even the healthiest person alive fall from a heart attack. Conrad smiles as he thinks of how much happier Alex has become. Alex leaves the safe, air-conditioned, comfort food smelling store into the cold, mildly lit parking lot to hassle his car door to get back in. He brushes his short hair back while staring at his mirror. His timid heart skips a beat as he gives a deep, longing sigh that shows he’s had his breath taken away.

“Okay. Time to have another lovely weekend with my reason for being so strong.”

Part 2

“Deep breaths,” Alex says as he exits his car. He digs in his pocket to find the keys to Emma’s apartment. Unable to contain his excitement like a child going to a theme park, he walks towards her door, unabashed by the cold night air. Her door is a slightly faded white, with a sign reading: “Welcome!” Alex hurriedly opens her door. “Who’s the most beautiful girl in the world?” he softly mutters as he enters Emma’s home with gentle footsteps, reflecting his more shy demeanor with a dash of awe growing as he draws closer to her.

Emma, completely zoned into her laptop with a word document open and her internet browser searching up topics for her research assignment, has a moment of being taken aback as she hears her favorite voice creep in through her ears. Hearing her name come out of Alex’s mouth brings her focus out of her digital library and back into the physical realm where the man who helps her feel the calm during the storm has arrived. Like a gong ringing loud to pull the students' focus out of their head and to return to their bodies, Emma’s senses lighten up as she readies for a warm embrace. Emma swiftly gets off her green office chair and puts her laptop aside on her table as she jumps up to Alex.

Bringing him closer to smell her enriching banana scent perfume, she casually responds, “Hmm. I don’t know. It better be me.” She softly brushes her hands on his lips with her fingers,” or you’re in trouble mister!” A playful glare takes on her expression to let Alex know he better not have his attention for even a second waver from anyone but her. She goes in for a five second embrace that felt like a lingering five minutes. “I was just working on a research paper for my Law class, Alex. I’m glad you're here with me again.” After filling up on the warmth of his touch and receiving a gentle kiss upon her forehead, she unwraps her arms around him so she can go back and reach for her laptop and re-seat herself on her chair to resume her assignment.

Alex chuckles as he tries with all his willpower to hold back the smile he couldn’t hide. With a slight twirl, he takes a seat on Emma’s bed, falls back and melts into her sheets that smelled like strawberries giving him a warm hug. “Are you actually studying, or are you looking at Instagram with your work in the background?” With a fervent eye twitch, she raises her voice just enough to bring out a little intimidation in him. “I’m far more responsible than I have been in the past three years of our relationship, you big cunt! I only looked away from my assignment for an hour less than usual…” With a chuckle, he responds, “an hour less than three hours is still two hours too many, little puppy.” Emma puffs up her face to show Alex that anymore needless assaults on her social media distractions are no longer permitted from this point forward. After-all, a little progress on beating her Instagram addiction is better than no progress at all.

“I should study too, but I’d rather have my attention on you!” Alex winks, hoping to fill her heart with ease that their relationship is more important to him than his grades that he abhors. Emma gives a slight eye roll towards him. “Come on Alex, your future is important.” Emma knows it’s important to keep their relationship strong, but she always has in the back of her mind, “what if it’s not enough? What if relationships aren’t going to help her sleep well at night anymore?” Sternly but gently, she believes the love she receives from Alex is a great addition to her life, but she knows deep down that it’s not enough for her to pay the bills. His eyes light up and soften like a lonely puppy who’s lost his owner. “That’s why I’m working on keeping you in mine.” he says with the endearment of a teenager who hasn’t let go of the honeymoon.

“Eww, that's sweet.” Emma moves her seat farther from Alex as she tries her darnedest to hide her blush, lifting her laptop to hide her warm red cheeks. Emma gently swings her feet as she tries to respond while hiding her stuttering. “D-don’t worry about keeping me around. Y-you should make sure you’re going to be happy too like how I should start trying to make myself happy.” “I’m always happy when I’m with you. Aren’t you happy just being with me?” Alex says with a tinge of worry in his voice as he swiftly sits up on the bed and leans in closer to Emma.

A silence fills Emma’s heart as she’s having trouble finding the words to let Alex know that there are things troubling her conscience without letting him feel any less special to her. “That’s a nice sentiment, Alex, but I’m being serious. I love you, really I do, but love won’t solve all of our problems.” A short silence befalls the room as both stare blankly to the side, hoping the other will break the awkward quiet. His eyes shift towards her as he prepares to cut the tension. “Why not?” “Because…” Emma continues her studying as she begins to lean back on her seat to get more comfortable from the conversation she’d rather not have right now. Not because it’s not important to her, but because she feels like she isn’t ready to open up about it yet. After a few minutes pass, her desires rile her up to speak her heart. With all the bottling of her emotions as of late, she feels she can’t run from it for much longer and dives into the topic with her soul laid bare while reassuring herself that the risk will ease her anxiety.

“There’s so much more to life than love, Alex.” She says as if it’s been something taking residence in the back of her mind for some time. She readies her feet to swivel her chair around just in case a tear that she can no longer hold back escapes her eyes. “But it’s nice to be in love while I grow in my life.” Alex responds unsure of how to make out what's going on. He didn’t expect to be talking about his relationship and its place in his future anytime soon. In fact, he was confident enough in his relationship with Emma that he believed they weren’t ever going to need this talk.

“We can’t when we need our own space. I have my own life too, Alex,” Emma says with a small twitch enveloping her face as she feels a small needle enter her heart. While she envisions Alex to be by her side for years to come, she wonders of all the things she could be missing out on that she’d rather partake alone. A small tear drips from her face as she mutters, “I want to be able to rely on myself, with or without you. You mean the world to me Alex, but I want to learn to walk on my own two feet. I know you love me. You show it everyday with every good morning and goodnight text. I know you love me because you always make time for me when I need you, but I can’t keep asking you to sacrifice your own life to make sure I’m okay. I need to support myself too, not just you. I hardly even know who I am without you, and that scares me.”

Alex didn’t want to imagine a future without his precious Emma. Trying his best to not fall apart by deferring the topic at hand, he asks, “want some chocolate?” Alex puts his all into forcing his weak arms to reach out to Emma with his Nutty Choco Pretzels. His mind had a million thoughts trying to break him down, but what really broke him was feeling too empty to say how he felt in return to Emma. He wanted her to know that they could do all of that together. That she doesn’t need to find herself without him, she could find herself with him. The thought of even revealing his intimate self right now was too much for him. He didn’t want to risk the waterworks, so he locked it up with no idea when, or if he’d ever open back up.

“Life would be too convenient if all you needed was love, and unfair to those who have to wake up every day alone.” Emma pushes his hands back to him gently, as to say she cannot be swooned by chocolate delicacies right now. Her mind is focused on herself, something that she has been neglecting for too far long now. With a minute to calm her emotions, she asks, “Alex? I really need to focus...We can cuddle as I study?” With a delayed response like a deer in the headlights, Alex softly nods his head,”Mhm.” He pulls his arm back in to have some chocolate. His favorite chocolate comfort was tasteless, yet the intensity of the situation stopped him from noticing the bland flavour.

Emma, feeling relief for finally sharing her mind with Alex, leaves her chair to sit next to him on the bed as he wraps his arms around her. Alex is happily enjoying her comfort as he wonders how lucky he is to have her, but worry creeps in. “How much longer will we be able to do this?” his unconscious whispers into the void of his being. Becoming absorbed in her studies, Emma begins to forget that Alex is even there holding her firmly like there’s no tomorrow. No words are spoken for an hour and a half as Alex is too embarrassed to interrupt her laser focus. He enjoys his chocolate and scans through his phone by browsing through twitter and watching video games on mute as to not disturb her.

With his mind falling apart and his heart trying to piece itself back together with glue, Alex begins to think to himself. “How long has she felt this way about me? About us? How did I not notice it sooner? Does she even want me here with her right now? I don’t feel very welcomed.” With some passing moments giving him the courage to finally speak up, he says, “It’s getting late. I should go.” Emma takes her eyes off of her laptop and looks out the window to see it’s getting dark.

Alex begins to pray silently for her to ask him to stay. He didn’t want to leave, but he didn’t want to be a burden unto Emma. She gives him a nonchalant reply. “You’re right. I’ll talk to you later.” As if all his efforts were all for naught, the glue in his heart crumbles in an instant. He slowly takes his arms off of her, feeling the warmth leave his body as he and her are now apart both physically and emotionally. With a quiet step, he puts his feet to the ground. Like a forlorn ghost, his footsteps are unheard as he makes his way to the door. Alex plants his feet by the door for a few seconds as he stares at her. Silently to himself like a boy who’s lost his voice to trauma, he wonders, ”she never forgets to kiss me goodbye, but maybe I’m not so important anymore. Was I ever?” He clears his throat. “Do I get a goodbye kiss?” He says with a smile holding back his tears.

“Uh huh,” she replies, leaving her comfortable office chair to give Alex a quick peck on the lips. With a plain “goodnight,” Emma returns to her studies without a clue to the finer expressions Alex was trying to hide the entire night. Alex keeps his head down while walking towards his car. His feet move like if he were doing his best to not step on the metaphorical eggshells that blocked his way back to his car. Doing his best not to let the tears run before he makes it home, he jitterly stumbles to get back in his car and leave the parking lot. Before he’s made his way home, he finds himself in a gas station parking lot, shirt drenched with the tears he could hold back no longer.