JHem

  Cheers to us, For making it so far, when every tiny thing, feels like rubbing against nails. Even when people say you light up the room. Cheers to us, For living a life, learning to care for your soul, with a body that doesn't trust, and a heart full of fear. When an alluring rose, bled us dry with its thorns. Cheers to us, For the love we share, to sit with another in the darkness, as it no longer scares us, as we weren't given a choice, but to befriend it before it swallowed us alive. Cheers to us, Who are pushed to the edge, or have already fallen Because When living feels like every second will attract hurt, Then surely death seduces better than love When no one understands you. Or worse No one tries to. Cheers to us, For being thrown into a losing war, With bullet wounds no one can see, I hope you make it out happy, And for those we've lost, It's not your fault, You were never given a fighting chance. I hope there's a heaven, So I when it's my turn too, I...

Even a sheet or two, Isn't enough from, An army of 'achoo." But an invitation at arm, To blanket the blizzard, Memories of home. "I love you," For true,  Expresses too. Not one of disarm, But as to never feel alarmed, Never carrying the 'what if' of harm. I could feel it hugging my chest, Her warmth lit just as brightly as The red of her doting cheeks. Worry painted her eyes, Caressing my hands, Frozen in time. Like a heart allergic, To the breath of living, Shamed into hiding. Her fingers brush against it, Hithering a hollow chill, Akin to starving a ghost. But that's not what, Broke her heart frozen, Birthing children of tears. But the apathy. As this was nothing new, Death always held me close. Like no one else ever wanted to.

I hear the bells ringing, It shakes more than my phone. It moves the ground underneath me. For a moment, Bargaining for my wish, It scares my heart frozen. Hoping I'm found in this desert, Breathing is hard for me, Realizing it's not you. This is all but a losing bet I'm not one to gamble, But I'm addicted.

Two rocks smashing it was not, Just beaten knees clapping, As they scrape the pavement. I held my hand to my heart, Submitting to your orders, Nauseous from bleeding. Letting go, My head bows, Denied by the Earth. It birthed, A pact to God, My soul for heaven. So who Broke the contract When she held me, Pinky promising,  "not yet," Adamantly cleaning my wounds, Only to seal my humanity inside them?

  It was "monkey see, monkey do," "Treat people as you wish they'd treat you," Gosh, I was on my knees praying for it to be true. After being ignored once for the first time, Surprising for me, yet not close to the last time, I tended to you, hoping you'd tend too. But what got to me, Is that I can't believe, In my very own autobiography, This commandment is an absentee.

It's like digging through concrete Fingernails painting the ground A painful red from the blood. You open your hand to me, Face up without a hinge to fear, Until our hands meet to say hello. "Your hands look so beautiful, But they scrape like a knife!" I'm used to it. My beauty, it wasn't by me, for me. It was for you, and you, but especially you. So I wouldn't drown in vocal torment. My demure, my doubt, my incapacity, It's so I could win you over. At the cost of loving myself. The sparkle in your eyes, Won by admiration, Cost me. Will I ever get it back? My individuality. Or trapped by destiny. If I didn't display full of grace, Would you have spat on my face? Through living a fib I am safe.

This is my pinky promise  to myself For No more  neck pain trying to be perfect No more worn out heart on casual commitments  No more  sleepless nights  waiting on you