JHem

  It was "monkey see, monkey do," "Treat people as you wish they'd treat you," Gosh, I was on my knees praying for it to be true. After being ignored once for the first time, Surprising for me, yet not close to the last time, I tended to you, hoping you'd tend too. But what got to me, Is that I can't believe, In my very own autobiography, This commandment is an absentee.

It's like digging through concrete Fingernails painting the ground A painful red from the blood. You open your hand to me, Face up without a hinge to fear, Until our hands meet to say hello. "Your hands look so beautiful, But they scrape like a knife!" I'm used to it. My beauty, it wasn't by me, for me. It was for you, and you, but especially you. So I wouldn't drown in vocal torment. My demure, my doubt, my incapacity, It's so I could win you over. At the cost of loving myself. The sparkle in your eyes, Won by admiration, Cost me. Will I ever get it back? My individuality. Or trapped by destiny. If I didn't display full of grace, Would you have spat on my face? Through living a fib I am safe.

This is my pinky promise  to myself For No more  neck pain trying to be perfect No more worn out heart on casual commitments  No more  sleepless nights  waiting on you

Spat out into shivering cold. Raised to live with anxiety. Without a single witness. No coat to cover the shivers, No clothes to coat the scars, No choice but to freeze. I was drawn like a moth to a flame, But I wasn't expected to be Burned alive.

You left your home, You left your dreams, You left your honesty. When reality felt ethereal. And you asked, "why?" When it was built on hopes. Feeling like a garden gnome. Feeling like decoration, it seems. Feeling like you're not ready to mope. I've read all about this. Defined as a "pattern." In hopes of seeking bliss. To escape feeling flatten, You invited me for a kiss, Wishing for pain to be forgotten. I abide, willingly so. No strings pulled either way. I knew of this passing sunset. You let your feet be swept, As do I let myself be bare, Knowing this leads to nowhere. Oh, I knew, I heartbreakingly knew I knew, the taste of charm. Knew it as nothing sincere. I followed your hand,  When you pulled me to dance. For you to say, "it's just us here." While holding a blank stare. But didn't hide that I wept. Knowing there never would be Another sunrise for you and me.

It was a little bid from me, But a million pieces, Make a big farewell. Feelin' like I'm stranded at sea. Feelin' like I should say less. Feelin' like I can't tell... That I miss you. But you knew. So I withdrew. Not a single good-bye spoken, Not pretending to be a monk in zen, Not able to bypass again. The apathy wasn't clear to be neglect, With breadcrumbs spelling "maybe yet." So why is my pillow wet like a wreck? A celebration I wanted you to see, But no words is all she says. There will be no wedding bells.