JHem

It gets a little tiring. To hear she likes me. Like a tape on repeat. I've heard this radio show before. Not the first, but hopefully the last. I don't know if I can believe it anymore. A script so common, I'm sure it's all fiction. All words and no action. I'll be with my forever again soon enough. Scratch that, he's here through the fluff. I'm always here when things are rough.

It's the voice that says no. No to being more than a little, foreign. People will like you being benign. Shaming you to being nice, To win the hearts off all, But one. It turns you to a people pleaser, Pleasing all but one. You're "people" too... It's the hand holding your neck. Threatening to SQUEEZE. If you dare say otherwise. Self mutilation isn't kind. No way does it deserve dead eyes. Doubt is just believing lies. It stops you from going from 0 to 100, But there's a synonym for 0. And that's dead. When you've "made it," And you just feel "that's it?" It's time for you to scream "FUCK IT!!!" Doubt will want you afraid, The bigger the fear, the bigger the grenade.  So, let's make a trade? When it goes boom, I'll make sure, It's not your tomb. I'm gonna need you to explode, All the parts that are lies. Before it cripples your life.

  Cheers to us, For making it so far, when every tiny thing, feels like rubbing against nails. Even when people say you light up the room. Cheers to us, For living a life, learning to care for your soul, with a body that doesn't trust, and a heart full of fear. When an alluring rose, bled us dry with its thorns. Cheers to us, For the love we share, to sit with another in the darkness, as it no longer scares us, as we weren't given a choice, but to befriend it before it swallowed us alive. Cheers to us, Who are pushed to the edge, or have already fallen Because When living feels like every second will attract hurt, Then surely death seduces better than love When no one understands you. Or worse No one tries to. Cheers to us, For being thrown into a losing war, With bullet wounds no one can see, I hope you make it out happy, And for those we've lost, It's not your fault, You were never given a fighting chance. I hope there's a heaven, So I when it's my turn too, I...

Even a sheet or two, Isn't enough from, An army of 'achoo." But an invitation at arm, To blanket the blizzard, Memories of home. "I love you," For true,  Expresses too. Not one of disarm, But as to never feel alarmed, Never carrying the 'what if' of harm. I could feel it hugging my chest, Her warmth lit just as brightly as The red of her doting cheeks. Worry painted her eyes, Caressing my hands, Frozen in time. Like a heart allergic, To the breath of living, Shamed into hiding. Her fingers brush against it, Hithering a hollow chill, Akin to starving a ghost. But that's not what, Broke her heart frozen, Birthing children of tears. But the apathy. As this was nothing new, Death always held me close. Like no one else ever wanted to.

I hear the bells ringing, It shakes more than my phone. It moves the ground underneath me. For a moment, Bargaining for my wish, It scares my heart frozen. Hoping I'm found in this desert, Breathing is hard for me, Realizing it's not you. This is all but a losing bet I'm not one to gamble, But I'm addicted.

Two rocks smashing it was not, Just beaten knees clapping, As they scrape the pavement. I held my hand to my heart, Submitting to your orders, Nauseous from bleeding. Letting go, My head bows, Denied by the Earth. It birthed, A pact to God, My soul for heaven. So who Broke the contract When she held me, Pinky promising,  "not yet," Adamantly cleaning my wounds, Only to seal my humanity inside them?